AQUARIUS Jan21-Feb19 Look forward to great events towards the end of the year. Frisky Neptune rises through Capricorn which means you'll find a tenner in a jacket you haven't worn for a while. Be on the defensive around sharks, especially Virgoan ones. You'll feel brave and confident throughout July, shake the hand of anyone wearing blue. | PISCES Feb20-Mar20 Inspiration will hit you like a wet fish in the chops on June the 16th, just after breakfast. You'll have an amazing idea you believe will make you millions, unfortunately, due to stroppy planets, everybody else sees it for the big pile of pants it is. Broccoli brings romance. | ARIES Mar21-Apr20 Everyone loves you and will send you cards and presents just because you are so fantastic, that's what happens when nonchalant Pluto pulls the beard of Hairy Capricorn. Expect this to happen sometime on or around your birthday. Be nice to cats! avoid Germans, grapes and green things. | TAURUS Apr21-May 21 The time has come to grab yourself by the horns. Take that chance! Mars rises in your sights, flaps around for a bit then hides behind a gas giant. Quirky Venus stokes Gemini which means you should take care in cross species romance. Do not go to Spain. No really, don't. |
GEMINI May22-Jun22 There's a strong emphasis on Mercury in Libra around the middle of August; this brings bad news for most Geminis as a high percentage of you will be targeted for alien abduction, taken far away and star in the main event of PROBESTOCK 2008. don't trust men in black.
| CANCER Jun23-Jul23 Everyone loves a winner, and that winner is you. It will be impossible for you to lose this year. If you bet on Elvis riding Shergar to win Le Mans, it will come in! for more info on how to make your fortune send lots of money, tuna and high grade catnip to Onya at the Oddies.
| LEO Jul24-Aug23 The planetary climate of excitable Jupiter curb crawling through promiscuous Pisces will make you feel like the king of the pride. But don't come to my manor with that attitude, I'll scratch your eyes out mate, i am the mighty mystic moggie hear me roar, AARGHHH!!!
| VIRGO Aug24-Sep23 there's mayhem in the solar system for Virgoans. Mercury is spiraling madly through Gemini, Venus is raging about younger planets and Neptune is arm wrestling Saturn to see who's round it is. Bizarrely this translates to the most event free year anyone has ever had. Ever. |
LIBRA Sep24-Oct23 As always, things are in the balance with Librans; do i - don't i, the eternal struggle within between good and evil, 1 lump or 2. Well its time to make decisions as the end is nigh! for when Pluto dances playfully with carefree Aries every volcano on Earth erupts simultaneously. Look forward to nice things happening in May.
| SCORPIO Oct24-Nov22 Very strange things will happen to you this year as the Planetary climate goes mental. You will be stalked by a half human , half robotic killing machine that was sent back from the future to kill you and stop your, as yet, un-conceived son from leading a rebel uprising in years to come... Thinking about it, that might have been a film i watched last night. Oh well.
| SAGITTARIUS Nov23-Dec21 A monstrous gravitational pull on Uranus will have an adverse effect on Sagittarian fashion sense. it will force your brain to believe you're back in the Eighties. You'll back comb your hair and wear jackets with massive shoulder pads over t-shirts that advise the reader of which to "relax".While this is highly embarrassing for you, its a great laugh for all other star signs. Ah-ha | CAPRICORN Dec22-Jan20 The planets reek havoc with your love life as lazy Mars and over friendly Pluto cascade through a non plussed Virgo you'll become very confused between weeks 8-32 of the fiscal year, you'll date an ex big brother contestant, try things that would make an MP blush and probably get arrested in mid November. Stay away from public toilets.
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